There are a few things you don’t want to hear on a flight……

Captain – “as we have experienced a great amount of turbulence on the way out here I have instructed the air crew to serve hot drinks for the first hour and then bolt everything down until we land. If you need any further cold drinks please press the button above your head and one of the crew might be able to attend to you…… if its not to bumpy” pause “the toilets will also be out of action too”

and, once we had reached 38 thousand feet…

Air Crew (in a panicky voice” – “is there a medical doctor or paramedic on board this flight? If so could you make your self known to us immediately please?”

Pilot – after trying to land the plane, failing and making a very VERY steep vertical climb “oops sorry folks missed the runway, I’ll turn round and have another go at it !!!!!” slight giggle “hopefully I’ll do better next time !!”

Air stewardess – “sorry madam we have run out of the vegetarian option but I can offer you a peanut and jelly sandwich instead”……… this was on a 12 hour overnight flight!

The other thing you don’t want to hear is the man seated behind you who sniffs and clears his throat (in a very irritating manner, like he is trying to cough up a huge lump of something very nasty) for the whole 3 hours of the flight. Cough, hack hack hack , sniff, cough cough. eeewwwwwww

Also, while I am on roll….. why is it that someone can fall into a deep sleep whilst their children (sitting next to them) scream and fight and disrupt everyone else around them….. except for the now snoring mum in the next seat?

And ….is it “bad form” to tut loudly when a group of “ladies” decide its still New Years Eve (even though that was 2 days ago) to try and get up and form a conga train down the middle of the plane?

I am convinced that on my passport it says “please place this lady next to a constant cougher, loud sniffer, unruly child/children or someone who is terrified of flying and squeezes your hand (which you have offered as a way of comforting them) so tightly your fingers turn white.

Give me strength ….. Happy New Year !!